Sex, Lies & Stradivarius

Dear Michael Kaiser,

You’ve asked me, as director of Kennedy Center social media, to submit a report detailing why our social media strategy for the National Symphony Orchestra has failed. Instead, let me offer this plea for just a little more time to whip this group into shape. After all, what would Beethoven have said if his handlers insisted he “Hurry up with that Fifth Symphony, so we can post it on YouTube.” Sure, we’ve had our bumps, but just look at the progress I’ve made with these ragtag virtuosos:

Flickr – It’s my fault for not setting a more stringent policy on what NSO performers should and shouldn’t post on the Internet. Don’t worry, I’ve removed from our NSO Flickr feed any pictures of 3rd Cellist Casey Lerpert’s “vertical maraca,” if you catch my drift.

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Jenny’s Made Up Facts, #4

26.       Up until 1893, scores of innocent Americans were being wrongly convicted of murder due to the now defunct “smelt it dealt it” cause. The clause was finally overturned after a body was found by a nerdy kid with severe smell-inhibiting allergies. That kid died two years later from dry mouth.

27.           Venus often complains to mother sun that the grass is always greener on earth. You know what, Venus? You’re damn right it is.

28.       The “cotton candy” shirt was introduced by abolitionists in 1842 in an attempt to move Americans away from their dependence on cotton. Though short-lived, the shirts did stick with all who touched them.

29.       Recent studies suggest that more and more butterflies actually prefer Crisco. When asked to comment, one butterfly flew in circles and then crashed into a house. The butter lobby has no comment on that recent incident.

30.       One should never take the free cow over the very reasonably priced milk for the obvious reason that you have no room for a cow in your apartment!