Application for Brass Knuckles

Note: I stopped by the Broward County Clerk’s office late Sunday evening to fill out an application for a permit to wield brass knuckles. However, I could not find such a form and assume you ran out. Unsure of protocol, I just grabbed the first form I could find and used that—in this case a permit to hold a parade. Most of the same questions apply

Name: Alan Cassavides

Purpose of this Parade: When a man is wronged—be it sins of omission, commission, or a co-worker named Fran Felson revealing the ending to Smallville without first saying “spoiler alert”—retribution is required.

Sponsoring Organization (eg, Little League, Elks Lodge, etc.): There’s something so impersonal about using a gun. Brass knuckles are very much like punching the person yourself. They can’t be used from a distance. The victim knows the assailant. The assailant gets immediate satisfaction.

Number of Floats: 1 (pair of brass knuckles)

Location/Date of Parade:  Third floor of Alliance Manufacturing; corner of the break room that has the stain from when Gary Tuckman spilled baked ziti; 3:11pm; after Fran Felson finishes his second donut.

Subsection 8 of the Civil Rights Act prevents discrimination in community events. Will your parade offer GLBTs the opportunity to march?: I always act alone. But I suppose some sort of sponsorship, to cover the cost of the permit fee, would be wise. Is GLBT the burger joint on McCracken St, or the new one on State Ave? Also will GLBT want their name on the back of the t-shirts I’m making for the event/Fran’s beating.

Will there be singing? Is audio equipment required? Hadn’t thought of this till now, but yes, I’d like Chicago’s “25 or 6 to 4” to be playing while I beat Fran Felson to a pulp.

Would you like the mayor to speak? Trying to keep this low key. The element of surprise is critical to pulling off the brutal assault.

What accommodations will you make for the handicapped? Increase their numbers by one.

Will you require First Aid services? That’d sort of defeat the point.

Thanks for you submission, we’ll have a response in 72 hours.

Please Sign Here: Alan Cassavides