26. Up until 1893, scores of innocent Americans were being wrongly convicted of murder due to the now defunct “smelt it dealt it” cause. The clause was finally overturned after a body was found by a nerdy kid with severe smell-inhibiting allergies. That kid died two years later from dry mouth.
27. Venus often complains to mother sun that the grass is always greener on earth. You know what, Venus? You’re damn right it is.
28. The “cotton candy” shirt was introduced by abolitionists in 1842 in an attempt to move Americans away from their dependence on cotton. Though short-lived, the shirts did stick with all who touched them.
29. Recent studies suggest that more and more butterflies actually prefer Crisco. When asked to comment, one butterfly flew in circles and then crashed into a house. The butter lobby has no comment on that recent incident.
30. One should never take the free cow over the very reasonably priced milk for the obvious reason that you have no room for a cow in your apartment!
21. The most politically offensive variety of window shade is the venetian blind.
22. All the electrical cords in your home have signed an agreement to have cord sex. They’re doing it right now. They don’t care who is watching.
23. In proportion to its size, the paper cut is actually the most painful injury a human can sustain.
24. On international delicious scales, the sugar coating on Advil pills are ranked as equally delicious to the white Tic Tac. Unlike Tic Tacs, however, Advil should not be consumed by the handful.
25. Forget sweatshirts and sweatpants, how bout some sweatsocks, right?
16. Because their feathers were optimal in quill production, seagulls were once considered a sophisticated bird. They enjoyed the good life, dining on exotic delicacies and fine wines. After the invention of the ink pen they became unnecessary and left behind by the in-crowd. This rejection forced them to turn to savaging. To this day they are pretty bitter about it.
17. The man on the moon was often called “crater face” in high school. In his book, “Cant Phase Me,” he sites the bullying as painful but important part of his development at Milky Way High.
18. 94% of people who say they can read minds are twice as bad at lying than people who do not claim to have the skill.
19. A human with worms has a parasite. A worm with worms is pregnant.
20. 100% of people between the ages of life and death agree that grape jelly is the worst.
Thanks to Jenny, now you know things you didn’t know before. To meet the intellectual genius behind these facts, come to our next show at the DC Arts Center.
1. If penguins could fly, they would fly faster and more swiftly than chickens (if chickens could fly).
2. Human being cannot play the saxophone to their fullest potential unless they are wearing Oakley sunglasses.
3. In a fight between a robin and a squirrel, the robin will always win, despite the squirrel having bigger nuts.
4. One out of every three fire hydrants in China is actually a wonton, and completely ineffective in an emergency.
5. The mimosa is the national drink of Lithuania. It started as a joke in the ’80s and it stuck.
6. There are only 2 active vending machines that accept American pennies. One is located in Puerto Rico and dispenses Pepsi. The other is in your mom’s basement.